i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
