Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
