dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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