I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
