Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
