make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
