I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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