one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
