so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
