So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
