So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
