My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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