Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
