wanna go halves on a baby?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
