Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
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I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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