I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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