Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Randomize
