Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
