No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
