Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
