Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
