I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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