Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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