its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
