P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
