You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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