Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
