great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
