i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
