My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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