i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
