we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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