Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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