Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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