I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i think i have herpe
just one?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
