dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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