Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
