Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
