Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize