I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
