My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
