Banned from zoo.
Again?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
