we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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