I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
