Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
