i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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