I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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