am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
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Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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