Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
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He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
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Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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