I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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