Moan for me like Helen Keller
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
