wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she told me i tasted like america
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
