On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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