I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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