A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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