i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
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Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
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they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?