Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Less talking, more tequila
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex