I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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