I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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